2009 will go down in history as the year the first Black president was inaugurated, the year lots of celebs died, the year the world hated Kanye West, the year we discovered Chris Brown’s inner ninja, the year we learned that crack don’t kill, but it will sever your vocal chords (I’m still on your team Whitney!) and the year we were reintroduced to Jermaine Jackson’s paint thinner/shoe polish/clay hybrid hair. However, some things are better left in 2009, and so, in no particular order here are the top 8:

Taylor Swift

No good can come of a Black man walking around with a bottle of Hennessy at a live event. Kanye West found that out the hard way when his “passion” (Jay-Z’s words, not mine) led him to go up on stage and well….you know the rest. Since then it’s been Taylor mania, she’s everywhere from Oprah to the cover of People magazine. Proof that a pity party for a sweet-faced white girl in America can actually overshadow coverage of that pesky little war taking place in the Middle East. On to the next one in 2010.

Will.I.Am

I would like someone, anyone to explain what kind of voodoo Will.I.Am has worked on the American media. And while you’re at it, please explain why during the election, I saw his face on CNN more than Larry King’s. When did we elect Will.I.Am to be the political spokesperson for Black people? And after all the hobnobbing in Washington, there was that little incident with Perez Hilton. Don’t even get me started on the Black Eyed Peas’ music, which gnaws at my soul like nails on a chalkboard. Less of him next year please, for the sake of my ear drums.

Chris Brown vs. Rihanna

Every possible angle of this story has been explored, exploited and beaten to death. Ike Jr. has apologized profusely, not that that’s any excuse, but when a man dons a bowtie from the PeeWee Herman reject collection on Larry King and tries his damndest to read three syllable words off a teleprompter, I think it’s time to cut him a little slack. Okay Wal-Mart? Not that this story hasn’t had its upside. Rihanna’s been quite loose-lipped since deciding to speak out, and she isn’t shy about her lofty new ambitions like great sex and great food for Christmas either. Oh, and then there’s the fact that she wears less and less clothes as each day passes. Still, enough already.

Que’s Bitchassness

(This glorious .gif is via Kid Fury)

Que is such a fussy queen. If you missed all the neck-rolling, finger snapping and door slamming action on Making the Band, consider yourself lucky. I wish someone would give Que Adam Lambert’s number so he could counsel him on the exhilaration that comes with unleashing yourself from the confines of the closet. I’m convinced Que is claustrophobic and acting out as a result. Free yourself like Fantasia said, and when you do, I’ll gladly welcome your presence in 2010. There’s only room for one testy queen in this business, and her name is Perez Hilton.

Michael Lohan

Some people are like an STD. You can treat it, but it never quite goes away, and when you least expect it, it rears its ugly head again. That my friend, is Michael Lohan. From his appearance on Maury to his on-air brawl with the Real Housewives of Atlanta’s Nene Leakes, Michael Lohan tried his best to leave no stone unturned this year in his mission for greatness. Unfortunately, we’re just not buying it. Save yourself the trouble in 2010 Mikey.

Jon and Kate

When the Bible said to go forth and multiply, one slightly balding man and his mullet sporting wife did just that. They had a litter of rugrats and scored a reality show about the ups and downs of raising a mini population. The only fly in the ointment was that Jon and Kate themselves weren’t happy, and it showed. Cue the media war, Jon’s sad ass groupies looking for their 15 minutes, and Jon himself acting like Whitney when she was Mrs. Bobby Brown. Every time I passed a newsstand or turned on the tv, there was Jon’s hairline holding on for dear life. I can’t in 2010.

Tiger’s Mistressess

Speaking of sad ass groupies, the latter part of 2009 was filled with them. Discovering another one of Tiger’s concubines became as routine as the weather reports. Every day a new one surfaced and our voracious gossip hungry media just couldn’t get enough. Snoop said it in ‘94, “we don’t love them hoes”….let’s ring in the new year with less of those please.

“Barbies”

Let me just say, I have nothing against Nicki Minaj. In fact, I’m a fan. She’s wittier than 80% of her male counterparts and I give her props for carving a lane for herself in an industry that is less than kind to women. Her Harajuku Barbie movement is nothing short of amazing, but some of you need to cease and desist this instant. Stop wearing those pink leggings knowing your stomach is about to touch your knee. Stop putting those ridiculous pink streaks in your hair if you can’t afford better weave. Stop getting tattoos of Nicki on your back, and stop trying to emulate her ever-changing accents knowing damn well you can’t even pronounce harajuku. Moving on.

Celeb Twitter Meltdowns

My PR professor in college told me that public relations is filled with very old men and very young women. At the rate these celebs are going, those very old men and very young women will soon be unemployed. Despite their publicist’s tenacity, celebs can negate their work with a single tweet - whining, bitching, moaning, tweeting and then deleting (thank God for the screen shot). Twitter bitchfests are becoming far too common. Someone should gather up all the D-listers and explain that twitter is not a press conference, press release or therapist. The above image comes courtesy of So Furious, and is just another example of a celeb who can stand to not have access to those 140 characters.